Pride and Dependence

I often have clients ask if I think they are codependent. Frankly, I don't know what that means. I believe that that one word has been so overused and bastardized over the years. Maybe we should be asking this question:

Am I relying on you too much for my own success and happiness?

We are creatures of habit. Because of this, we often consciously or unconsciously get comfortable in our ways of doing things, without realizing that we may not be utilizing our own skill set as effectively as we should be.


Case in point (and, believe me, I am not exempt from this): Last Thanksgiving, my trainer, Josh, took several weeks off from training to spend time with his family for the holidays. Fair enough. Everyone has a right to take time off, to restore, renew and refresh themselves.

I don't know exactly what happened next, except that the workout rhythm that I had come to expect and look forward to was interrupted. And I did not handle it as well as I should have. I slacked off going to work out on my own, I was not eating as well as I had been, and as a result, began to feel less energetic, not as healthy, not as happy.

And it was all Josh's fault. There I said it. It was his responsibility alone that I fell off the apple cart. He should have realized that I was not disciplined enough or strong enough to do this on my own--

Does any of this sound familiar? Like it or not, most of us come to depend a bit too much on certain people in our lives. And I am not saying that depending on others is a bad thing--it is clearly not. Depending on others allows us to be and feel vulnerable, which brings us all closer together. But depending too much can be a signal to ourselves that we are not using the gifts that we have been given. In my example, I had just become too used to meeting Josh at the gym--and when that source was no longer present, then I somehow "forgot" everything I had learned.

Why do we forget? Is it just laziness? Is it some pride and ego thing? Maybe, but that's too easy an answer. I think it's confidence, the level of trust we have in ourselves, and the internal critical voice that pops up at the most inopportune times. That voice that says, "Why bother?" or "You can't do this." or "You'll never change, so stop trying." Now, yes, in therapy we can figure out where this voice comes from--where we heard it first. And that can be helpful.

But if we want some immediate relief, we can also use an imagery exercise that I learned from Jill Leigh, founder of the Energy Healing Institute and a dear friend of mine, called "Blowing Pictures." It's pretty simple--"create" a rose out in front of you, at arms length between your head and your heart. Allow yourself to feel that voice/negative belief about yourself. Take that voice/belief out of your body and place it on the rose. Take a moment to "see" those words/belief on the rose. When you have the image, then imagine that you are blowing the rose up, eradicating the voice/the words/the negative belief along with it. It takes some practice, but it works.

So tell that critical voice inside of you right now, that it is no longer needed, and get out there and do something. You heard me!!