The Power: The Voice

I have had many people tell me over the years that when confronted with some sort of crisis or dilemma, my voice pops into their head.

I'm sorry, but WHAT?
When I first heard this, I admit to being shocked--what am I saying that is so profound to be creeping into their lives outside of therapy? 
Then I felt flattered.  Why shouldn’t my voice be present?  At times, I can say some pretty good things in session!!
And then I realized this has nothing at all to do with me.

We all have them.  Those voices that enter the fray, suggesting that we can or cannot do something.  The Critic who pops up and suggests that you really aren’t that great a candidate for the new job.  The Critic who says that he really didn’t enjoy the date. The Critic who says that this holiday season is going to be just as miserable as the last one.

Hey, shut up! 

There is a movement in the therapy world called Internal Family Systems.  In a nutshell, we can look at the Individual as a sum of the parts:  The Critic, The Nurturer, the Pragmatist, and so on.  By identifying the various parts that comprise us (and we can determine for ourselves how we want to label these parts of us!), we can make conscious, rational decisions as to who we want to be in charge.  For many of us, especially those who have a Wounded Child as part of the mix (and who doesn’t?), we may have been allowing the kid to “drive the car” for most of our lives.  IFS says, “Hey kid--not so fast.  Let Jeff, the adult, take over.  I appreciate all you have done for me thus far, but this is my road trip now.  Let’s work on getting you healed.   In addition, let’s identify what parts are working together as a team, and which little rebels are being, well, rebellious and not helpful.”  This is 1 way for us to begin healing.

There have been many times, past and present, where others’ voices have come to me at critical times.  Here are a few:

The voice of my Human Behavior professor in Grad School:  “The first and foremost role of the social worker is to instill hope.”

The voice of my first therapist, an analyst:  “Jeff, you just need to forgive your father--he is just not emotionally capable.”

The voice of my father, a few months before he died:  “Jeff, I know that I have not always been the best dad, but I do want you to know that I love you.”

The voice of my daughter, “Dada, I love you.”

I hold these close--these sustain me.  There are others, of course, that pop up here and there throughout my days and weeks.   And they show up when I need them most:  when I am feeling challenged--emotionally, physically, spiritually; when I may be having a blue day; when I am feeling frustrated professionally or personally.  Sometimes I need to rally myself to bring the voices up to consciousness, and other times they appear freely.  But they do show up.

It is so important to show up.  So if my voice should show up in another’s internal dialogue, then I applaud the person for allowing another point of view or belief to enter their sphere.  I challenge you to do the same with those in your lives.  You do not have to be a therapist--you just need to display kindness, compassion and the willingness to take a moment for someone else. 

In a political season that has been ravaged by shortsightedness, ignorance and hate, it is time to display our best to those in our worlds and trust that the goodness will spread. Don’t let the outside voices contaminate the beauty we all have to offer, regardless of our differences.  And maybe we will begin to value our differences rather than denigrating them.  Maybe. Hopefully.